


once upon a dream

by mlmdownworlder



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec needs to get his shit together, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Fluff with Angsty Ending, Fuck Gender Roles. Fuck Gender Norms. Fuck Them All, Hi Would You Like A Steaming Hot Pile of Projection, Hurt No Comfort, Jock Alec Lightwood, M/M, Nerd Magnus Bane, Nonbinary Magnus Bane, Prom, Sad, Trans Magnus Bane, Transphobia, Unpopular Magnus Bane, and both r good, and making them both worse and better for magnus, bc i figured it would be confusing to change mid-narrative, because this is based on my sad pathetic life, can you tell i'm crying and full of feelings?, im writing my sorrows away, in the actual narrative i only use he/him pronouns, look this is a vent fic ok dont @ me, lowkey genderfluid magnus bane, magnus is a nb trans man who uses he/them pronouns because i fucking said so, not completely based on my own life buttt, popular Alec Lightwood, so i just left it. but it's mentioned he changes pronouns, some transphobic and homophobic slurs used, without like awkwardly inserting clarifications in, you can't stop me from projecting my gremlin self onto magnus!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 04:11:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18652648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlmdownworlder/pseuds/mlmdownworlder
Summary: Magnus dreams of walking into the dance with his head held high.





	once upon a dream

**Author's Note:**

> listening to lana del ray's version of once upon a dream and crying what's up with y'all

 

Magnus dreams of walking into the dance with his head held high.

Some days, he imagines an immaculate suit, tailored to fit him perfectly--masculine, powerful, simple. Maybe paired with light makeup, a little jewelry--imagines what it would be like to walk in and feel powerful, to turn heads and catch the whispers of  _isn't that... ...i think it is... he looks good..._

Imagines people looking at him an seeing him for what he undoubtedly is. And not just that, but seeing him as--handsome. Desirable.

Imagines Alec asking him for a dance with those soft, warm eyes of his, unashamed and unafraid to be seen with him. Imagines dancing the night away in his arms, ignoring jealous whispers and awed stares. 

Other days, he imagines walking into the dance in a sweeping, beautiful dress. Imagines what it would be like if he could wear something stunning, feel beautiful and even a touch feminine, without being questioned and judged. Imagines stepping through the doors like Cinderella arriving late to the ball, gorgeous and envied, jewelry matching his outfit perfectly, everything perfect.

Imagines approaching Alec and asking him for a dance, being coy and confident and holding out his hand without being afraid of rejection, without expecting it. Imagines Alec saying yes without hesitating.

Imagines Alec's arms around his waist, telling him he looks beautiful.

Proving everyone, including himself, wrong--that he could be handsome, he could be beautiful, that Alec could be with him without being ashamed.

Sometimes he even allowed himself to imagine being crowned prom king with Alec. He knew it wasn't possible, and he wasn't sure he'd want it anyway, but it was nice to imagine that he was  _wanted,_ not judged or hated or whispered about, but admired.

And still more days he imagined it simpler--Alec asking him to prom, perhaps privately, picking out their outfits together, going in matching suits. Maybe even wearing a corsage.

Those days there's no Cinderella entrance, no show-stopping dance, just... a slow dance like everyone else. No judgement, but no attention, either. Just him and Alec, alone. And then maybe going stargazing together afterwards, or going on... a proper date. 

Thinks of how kind and soft Alec is with him when no one is watching, how he's always so considerate and compassionate, how he treats Magnus so... so  _well._  

Thinks of Alec treating him like that in front of everyone. Of wearing Alec's letterman jacket, helping him study in the library, of just... being with him. And dancing with him, at Prom. Prom, something that is supposed to be this defining movie moment, where all the couples in school have their romantic moments and groups of friends go together.

He wants that stupid, cliche movie moment with Alec.

It's cliche and stupid and ridiculous. He tells anyone who asks that he has no plans of going to Prom, that who would ever ask him? He says it with self deprecating humor but no one disagrees.

He says he doesn't want to go alone and it's a stupid, crowded party full of people he doesn't like, and it costs so much money, and why would he want to go?

And yet... despite all the scoffing, the dismissive eyerolls when someone tells him he's missing out on a tradition... he daydreams about it in class, over and over.

He plots the scenario out in his mind a hundred times, imagining different outfits and different ways the dance would begin. He doodles dresses and outfits, faceless figures dancing together and sweeping across the page, carefully anonymous, only recognizable if you know how to look.

But it always ends with Magnus in Alec's arms, Alec smiling at him as they danced together, no one judging them... with Alec kissing him softly. 

But as prom got closer and closer, he realized that Alec had no intentions of asking him.

And he had no way of going, anyway.

He couldn't afford a suit or a dress. He had no way of getting there. He had no friends to hang out with, other than Catarina, and he had no intention of third wheeling with her and Dot.

But despite that, he wanted to ask Alec. Sure, he'd always wanted to be asked to a dance--but he'd long since accepted that would never happen. 

but maybe--maybe Alec would go with him?

They'd been secretly... seeing each other (could he even call it that?) for over a year, and... if nothing else, Alec was his friend, right?

Sure, he didn't want to be seen with Magnus in public, not like  _that,_ but--perhaps they could go as friends?

But as he spent a day getting up his confidence, convincing himself, when he finally hesitantly approached the library where he knew Alec studied alone that hour, he was met to the sight of Stephen Underhill asking Alec to prom via a loud and dramatic promposal.

And Alec said yes.

...Alec would never dance with him at Prom.

Alec had cornered him later and explained that he and Underhill weren't really dating, that they were both faking it--Underhill to get his parents off his back, and Alec for... 

His reputation, Magnus supposed.

Alec didn't say it, but Magnus knew what he was thinking. He would never publicly be with Magnus, and Magnus was foolish to ever hope otherwise.

He had his nice, acceptable boyfriend--the perfect relationship that everyone actually thought was real. Underhill, another star football player and straight A student. Someone who was handsome, popular,  _normal..._  someone perfect to stand by Alec's side.

Someone Alec would dance with even though they didn't even like each other, someone Alec could easily be crowned prom king with. 

Not a--not a  _freak_ like Magnus.

After all, the school provided itself on being oh-so  _progressive--_ gay prom kings? Of course. 

But a "tranny freak"? Not fitting into that pretty, picture-perfect frame of two handsome,  _cultured_ men? No. No, that just wouldn't do.

 _Would she be prom king or prom queen?_ he can imagine the vice principal scoffing. 

And even so, who would vote for him?

So as much as Magnus dreamed of being Cinderella, of going to the dance and being beautiful, being happy...

it wasn't ever going to happen.

The day before Prom, Magnus forces himself to face the facts.

His dreams, Alec or no, could never come true.

If he showed up in a tux, people would whisper all the words he'd been blocking out for so long--tranny, dyke, faggot. 

If he showed up in a dress, they wouldn't be whispers anymore. And if not that, people would talk about him faking it, they'd think he was finally normal, or maybe they would even express relief at finally getting over his "phase". 

If he asked Alec to dance, Alec would laugh it off. Would reject him. Would corner him later and ask why he'd ever approach him in public like that, put him on the spot.

And Alec would never ask Magnus to dance.

No, Magnus would be alone in the corner, and the night would end with watching Alec and his new (fake, remember it's fake, _please_ ) boyfriend get crowned kings of the school. 

He would come alone, and he would leave alone.

So the day of prom, he stays home.

He stays in bed, he doesn't look at social media, he doesn't go anywhere.

He just stays curled up in bed, wishing more than anything he could be there right now, in Alec's arms. Wishing the world wasn't so full of hate.

When he falls asleep, the dreams turn to nightmares.

He goes to prom in a tux and they laugh, they call him names, his suit is patchy and ill-fitting and it gets ruined by punch thrown on him.

He goes to prom in a dress and they tear it apart, they attack him, and Alec stands by and watches.

He asks Alec to dance and he laughs and says  _who would ever dance with you--?_ and his lips form that word he can't stand to hear and he just runs away, runs through a sea of laughing and jeering faces.

Alec asks him to dance and his heart feels light but when he steps forward to smile, Alec laughs and they all laugh and it's a joke and Magnus can't breathe--

He wakes up in tears and knows he won't daydream about Prom again.

The time has passed. Midnight is gone and over. Magnus will never be Cinderella.

And the Monday after, he wipes away the tears, cleans himself up, and pastes on his never-missing smile.

He goes to school, and when Alec corners him during their free period in a private corner no one ever visits, looking to makeout with him and study and use him as he always does, he just smiles and pretends that he didn't burn every single lovingly sketched doodle of them dancing, pretends he didn't cry until his throat hurt, that he didn't finally check his phone only to immediately see a photo of Alec and Underhill smiling with matching crowns. 

His heart aches when Alec, so sweet and gentle in private, asks how he feels today, what pronouns he should use. When he kisses him warmly and softly like he would kiss him in front of the world. His stupid, foolish, _aching_ heart quivers with ridiculous hope. No matter how hard he tries, he can't kill it. 

He knows that even if he doesn't want to, even if he knows it will hurt him, he will hand his heart to Alec again.

And inevitably, Alec will break it.

But he smiles, lets Alec kiss him.

He's already broken anyway.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ahaha this is my steaming hot pile of projection. the relationship angst is thankfully fake, because let's be real, i would never get entangled in a secret romance because ain't no one ever gonna romance me, but i made it super angsty and sad since im projecting my feelings about prom and gender onto magnus
> 
> but since this is malec, lbr, alec would eventually come to his senses and treat magnus right. like, probably some dramatic gesture and it would end with magnus in his letterman jacket (that's the sweetest shit!!!) and alec very publicly telling some shithead to fuck off (bonus: it's underhill, because that fits the feel-good narrative and also i don't like him oops. plus, that works plot wise if he's like "oh no more fake dating for you calling magnus that is going too far bitch"). maybe more people than he thought would be supportive, because i want to be optimistic, and cat and dot would obviously be down to fight any bigots, there would be one of those hella fucking cute scenes where alec recreates the dance for him and they dance together alone, and then magnus is like "this. this is enough. we dont have to go public. it's fine." but then underhill says shit and alec tells him to fuck off and kisses magnus or some shit, you get the idea. it'd be so good.  
> or like alec only went with underhill bc he honestly believed magnus didnt wanna go and thought prom was a waste of time but then OOPS magnus tells him while drunk and sad or something and alec is like welp I fucked up
> 
> but like, this is me projecting and i don't get a happy ending lmao so uhhhhh yeah  
> maybe i'll write a happy ending just to pretend and because magnus deserves it but mmmm we'll see lol


End file.
